559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.

No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatever - there's something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it's eight people from Sweden who don't understand what I'm talking about.

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.

I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.

It does piss me off when Angelina won't stop calling.

I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you always feel like you have to comment on it to the person you're with? 'Yeah... I'm not gonna see that movie. I'm gonna wait for that on VIDEO.' I mean when you think about it, it's just a commercial for the movie. You know, you never sit at home watching tv-- "Yeah... I'm not buying that cereal. I don't like cereals with raisins in 'em. ...What's your take on that commercial? Where you goin'?

I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'