559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, “Hey, how’s that book?” “I haven’t read it.” “Oh, did you just buy it?” “I’ve had it since high school.” “Well, can I borrow it?” “No.”

There’s something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? “You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins.” “You sure?” “Trust me. Just do it son!”

People need to write articles and they need to have angles in them and I’m grateful when people are doing articles, but I always say there’s not a great mystery to stand-up comedy.

There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am – which is not to say that that’s a bad thing.

It’s good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I’m originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia: 4-H.

I’ve been doing theaters like the Warner for about a year and we’ve found the earlier you get the tickets on sale the better idea you get on how many shows we will be doing.

What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, ‘Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.’

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They’re always so condescending. ‘Ah, the book was much better than the movie.’ Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.