559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

When our bed is made, it’s covered in 40 pillows-like we’re stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

Television’s very much a writer’s medium, as it probably should be, but if you’re not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It’s just kind of how it’s constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don’t want to come across as a jerk.

There are a lot of good looking men on this planet. It seems like once a week someone will tell me, “I know someone who looks like you” and I don’t know what say to them except, “Tell them hi.”

I’m kind of like a guy who’s missing a little bit of the guy gene. Like, I love steak, but the notion of golfing is the last thing I would want to do. I love women, but I’m also a mama’s boy, and some of my best friends are women. So I’m kinda half guy’s guy.

You can never find the right bowling ball. This one’s too heavy. This one’s good but its pink!

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn’t that the best?

How did we get to the point where we’re paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy’s sitting there, like, “How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.”

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don’t even read it! “Hey I got a – who cares.”

I don’t want to pick a team. I want to make people laugh and hopefully bring some – be humorous about the human experience, you know, whether they’re people of any stripes of life.