559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

In Indiana, I wasn’t anything special. But in New York, I’ve gone out with girls with purple hair who go out with me because I’m exotic!

I was always told that Hoosier came from when settlers in the state, when a stranger came on their property they’d say, “Who’s there? Who’s there?” So people that were from Indiana were the people that said “Who’s there?” But what do I know? I don’t read or interact with people outside the Internet.

Don’t you think it’s strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

It’s strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you’re just like “WHATEVER! Why don’t you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?”

I realize I look very hip hop but I’m really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor.

It’s kind of hard to articulate, but, like, this notion of mercy, forgiveness, was very appealing for me. It was very profound. And it had a deep impact, and I think it still does.

Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there’s always a woman getting beaten on that channel. “In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod.”

The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it’s – for me, it’s like – I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?

I like bowling. It’s just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, “The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling.”