559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

It’s so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.

I would say that now I’m somebody who goes to church.

I’m not a foodie; I’m an eatie. I don’t have anything against foodies. I just don’t have the time or the interest to do that much research.

I think stand-up comedy is this – it’s this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

We wrote about having five kids and bringing them to church. A journalist at The Washington Post wrote this article where the headline was “The New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan.” And it was a bit terrifying.

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana – mafia.

As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they’re like, ‘It’s unbelievable how clean,’ ‘He’s the cleanest person in the world.’ And then I’ll do shows and people will be like, ‘You’re supposed to be so clean, but you’re talking about cancer.’

I’m not saying that McDonald’s gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.

I’m definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer – everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we’re just like, oh no.