559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

I don’t want people to think I believe in God.

I’m there to make people laugh. I’m not trying to come across as sexy.

I liked the idea that my character was not gonna be the typical dumb guy that I play, typically. I also loved the fact that it was dealing with kind of adult-extended adolescence, which I think is always interesting – a bunch of people that don’t wanna grow up.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I’m no chemist, but I have a rough idea what’s in water.

It doesn’t matter if you’re religious or not. Does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than some stranger going, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus?

I like that in my audiences, there’s a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. “So that’s how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That’s how they trick you into it.”

I’m closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it’s what inspires you.