559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It’s pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what’s really addictive? Heroin.

They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you’re taking from his personal stash. “Looks like my kids aren’t having ketchup tonight.”

I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and – you know, and now we’re going in there every other day baptizing a kid.

I’ve never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, “I’m glad I ate that.” I’m always like, “I’m gonna die! I paid for that? Did I eat it or rub it on my face? My back hurts.”

I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That’s why I’d like to talk to you about Jesus.

I’ve always wanted to be an actor. I’ve never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they’ve always been separate desires.

Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it’s all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none.

I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I’d always cringe a little bit, like, ‘I can’t get a date, I don’t know what you’re talking about.’