559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don’t want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

You can’t tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn’t somehow tied to his name. You’re not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.

Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who’s that for? ‘I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.’ ‘I’ll have the bologna sandwich – dirty.’

I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I’m somebody who, because it’s a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I’m a lunatic.

Imagine you’re drowning, and someone hands you a baby.

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There’s nothing planned about this.

There’s a certain balance between finding an opportunity to do what you really enjoy and getting caught up in the flattery of people wanting you to do things.

Bacon’s the best. Even the frying of bacon sounds like applause.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It’s like, “Take that, Lipitor.”