559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

I don’t want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that’s based around my comedy.

You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He’d be like, easy, freak.

I’m bald, blind and pale. I’m like a gigantic recessive gene.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn’t going to do in my stand-up routine.

Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they’re like museums full of good food. It’s fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they’re going to cut up your baked potato.

I would say some of the food I talk about that I really enjoy, like cake and bacon, I eat a lot less than I portray in my act. But that stuff that I dislike, it’s pretty sincere.

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn’t matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife’s Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

Wouldn’t it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone’s sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, “That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he’s Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!”

It’s like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer; there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That’s how my background influenced my comedy.