559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

I usually don’t have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I’m gonna start blowin crap up. It’s what the founding fathers would want.

Faith is something that’s – it’s hard to articulate. It’s – there’s – it’s not based on logic.

That’s my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.

It’s not as if ten years ago, we were like, ‘I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.’

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn’t make sense from a financial standpoint.

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? ‘Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!’

If someone picks up one thing you’ve written, you want them to go, ‘Wow, this is pretty good.’

It’s amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? ‘What the? Has someone been kidnapped?’

Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?