559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

I don’t know if I’m the husky guy, but I’m the sexy guy who’s a good kisser .

Lean Pockets, I don’t even wanna know what’s in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: ‘Remove from box, place directly in toilet.’ Flush Pocket!

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It’s very personal, stylistically.

Don’t take this the wrong way but I care more and I’m a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.

That’s not to say that I’m a well-informed Catholic. I’m still in idiot.

How’d we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, ‘Hey, I’ve got an idea! Why don’t we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.’

I didn’t choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane – it’s just who I am and it’s what kind of works for me.

Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we’re always kind of like, what are they doing?

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don’t need sleep. I think they’re called ’successful.