559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

Other people’s children’s birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I’m not in control of things.

Whenever I’m out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: ‘This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.’

I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren’t done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.

I’m a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It’s not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I’m probably the opposite of a vegan.

I do just want to do jokes. I don’t want to be a divisive figure.

Thanksgiving. It’s like we didn’t even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend’s name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.