559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

I’m a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that’s the only thing I know. I don’t know anything else.

My children have made me a better man, which is – in the end, that’s probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.

Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, “Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it”

I don’t know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry around, because people don’t consider stand-ups really actors.

But in Indiana it’s not like New York where everyone’s like, ‘We’re from New York and we’re the best’ or ‘We’re from Texas and we like things big’ it’s more like ‘We’re from Indiana and we’re gonna move.’

Don’t you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?

There has been this belief among the Catholic community – and this – I’m no expert, this is my opinion – that cafeteria Catholics are wrong.

Manhattan’s probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana’s definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.

Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote “these are WMD’s” on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it.