559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I’m pretty bad at it.

A lot of people are like, “You’re doing commercials?” And I honestly feel like those Sierra Mist commercials are better than a lot of sitcoms I get offered. It’s hard work, and I’m paid a lot of money, and I do it because I love the soda.

I would say my return to my faith is – it’s a very personal thing.

People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, “You were named after Grandma.” The seventh kid, “You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben.”

I do Sierra Mist commercials not because they pay me a lot of money or because it only takes a couple of days. I do it because I have a respect for all sodas and I like to communicate that. Some people say soda, some people say pop, where I’m from in Indiana they called it breakfast.

You’re on stage and because stand-up comedy is one of the few meritocracies in the entertainment industry, there’s some kind of – at least for me, there’s some kind of idea of control.

I’d really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.

I’m a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

Holidays are also an opportunity for kids to unlearn every good habit they’ve learned during the rest of the year. They don’t go to school. They get to stay up past their bedtime. They get candy and presents for doing nothing. Childhood utopia.