559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

My wife and I, we work together. And we wrote this book, "Dad Is Fat." And in the book, I was encouraged constantly by my editor to be more personal and talk about more personal experiences.

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

Once you identify yourself as believing something, you open yourself to ridicule.

I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.

Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.