559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

You ever look for the remote control, but you can’t find it, so you just decide, “Ah, guess I’m not watching TV. I’m not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I’ll go to the gym if I’m going to work out.”

I never have free time, I don’t know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there’s two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you’re like “Forget it! I’m not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?”

It took me a long time to understand not to get caught up in other people’s expectations. It really comes down to creative fulfillment. It took me a while to realize I don’t want to just be on a show to be on a show.

I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I’m probably somebody who is more devout.

For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I’m making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I’m going.

My wife always asks me why I don’t make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don’t tie my shoes after I take them off.

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it’s not like I was obsessed with food growing up.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let’s see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

I think when my mother died, it was such a – you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.