559 Quotes by Jim Gaffigan

I can’t believe we got grades in gym class. I’ve never used anything I learned in there. “All right, I’m standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy.”

Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? “Hi. It’s me again. I forgot to tell you that I’m going to kill you. Because I’m the freak who keeps calling and calling.”

No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I'm not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!

The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' But we do that every day Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?

There should be a children's song: If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.

There should be a children's song, if you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

A hammock. It’s like a giant net for catching lazy people .

Without Valentine's Day, February would be...well, January.