619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.

I truly think comedy is - being funny is DNA. My dad was a doctor, a wonderful doctor, and people still come up to me today, 'Your father helped my mother die.' You know what I'm saying? He made her laugh 'til she died. My father was always very funny.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I'm grateful for every day I'm still alive. Everything is still working. I attribute it to eating a lot of processed foods. I think it's the preservatives that keep me going. That, and I eat as much chocolate as I can get my hands on.