619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.

Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

Having my daughter I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.