619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds. I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off. It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom. My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.

Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.

Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.