619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.

I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.

I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.

I was not an attractive child.

You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.