619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.

[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

I was born in 1962 and the room next to me was 1963.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.

Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.