619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Run scared ... and they never catch you.

Having a baby can be a scream.

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.