619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.