619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor,

I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.

I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe. If you must go into the arts, go into them for yourself alone. On some basic level you must enjoy the act of doing it ... Otherwise, you are going to end up frustrated and unhappy. Recognition in the arts is luck and gravy.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.

if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.