619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride"...

There are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn’t get better. YOU get better.

If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.

The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you’re acting; listen only to yourself.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.

Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

My body is a temple, and my temple needs redecorating.

Looking 50 is great, if you’re 60.