619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I’d scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus – that way, I’d visit him every day.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: ‘Run your own race, put on your blinders.’

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly – hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’

You’re college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It’s not who you know, it’s whom.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don’t need it. It all comes out onstage.