619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

I have to tell you that it’s not going to be easy. Take every chance and every opportunity that you can. Don’t say ‘I can’t’ or ‘I shouldn’t’ or ‘I’m too tired.’

I don’t mind aging, I just don’t want to be a day older.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, ‘Marry him. You’ll double your wardrobe.’

Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.

Last night I asked my husband, ‘What’s your favorite sexual position?’ and he said, ‘Next door.’

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, ‘If only 2 percent of the world thinks you’re funny, you’ll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.’

Tyra’s always standing up for herself and her “race” over perceived slights. For example, she’ll say, “You just pushed me because I’m black!” No, I pushed you because the train was coming right at you, you bulimic twit.

And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.