619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I hate Arizona. It always eight hundred degrees outside and everybody’s always saying, “But it’s a dry heat!” So’s the inside of my microwave.

I said to my husband, ‘Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?’ He said, ‘I don’t want to wake you up.’

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I’m gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

If you don’t think you’re funny, no one else will.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: “Last Girl Before Freeway.”

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer’s. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Tonight I’ll be interviewing Ken Watanabe, Keisha Castle Hughes, Benecio Del Toro and Djimon Honsou – and yes, those are actors, not caterers.