18 Quotes by Joey Bishop

I don't consider success doing a show for 30 years; I'm sorry. To me, you're successful when you graduate from something. I did a series, I did a talk show, I did movies, I replaced Mickey Rooney on Broadway in Sugar Babies. You understand?

The president of a TV network generously agreed to take his company's aptitude test, a test required of all the personnel. He did badly. As a result he was in a sullen mood for the rest of the day. When he got home that night, his wife asked why he looked so grouchy. I took the company's aptitude test this morning. What did it show? asked the wife. It showed, boomed the executive, that such tests are idiotic. That's what it showed.

The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It's the study of crackpots.

A salesman called on my wife the other day and tried to sell her a freezer. You'll save a fortune on your food bills, he promised. I can't tell you how much you'll save. It'll be tremendous. Said my wife: I'm sure you're right, but we're already saving a fortune with our new car by not taking the bus. We're saving a fortune with our new washing machine by not sending out the laundry. We're saving a fortune with our new dishwasher by giving up the maid. The plain truth is that right now we just can't afford to save any more!

A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, Lady, didn’t you see that red light? The woman said, You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.

The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It’s the study of crackpots.

I don’t consider success doing a show for 30 years; I’m sorry. To me, you’re successful when you graduate from something. I did a series, I did a talk show, I did movies, I replaced Mickey Rooney on Broadway in Sugar Babies. You understand?

The kick of comedy is to think quickly. It’s a great kick.

There are many things that I find attractive about a woman. Foremost to me, of course, would be a sense of humor-but that doesn’t come in a bottle.