102 Quotes by John Bishop

I'm the type of bloke who gets a flatpack cabinet from Ikea, puts it together without reading the instructions, then gets the drill out because the holes are in the wrong place.

When have you ever sat down with your mates and said, 'Look, tell me about your dad?'

My kids get annoyed if you ask them what their GCSE results are.

In 2006, I left my job in sales and marketing to go full-time as a comedian, and I started off doing panto at the Lowry in Manchester.

I've never had a piercing before. I thought I'd be cool.

Oh, listen, stand-up is my home.

I don't sit at home and craft a joke.

By doing the comedy you don't get heckled by your own wife.

Comedy is counseling.