328 Quotes by John Cleese

I was always a sports nut but I’ve lost interest now in whether one bunch of mercenaries in north London is going to beat another bunch of mercenaries from west London.

It seemed as though he had a fundamental belief that the merit of his argument depended on the strength of his feelings about the matter, and since he always felt uncontrollably passionate about everything, then clearly he was always right.

It’s a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor.

Mother told me once that some Westonians privately criticised Dad for retreating so soon. They apparently felt it would have been more dignified to have waited a week or so before running away. I think this view misses the essential point of running away, which is to do it the moment the idea has occurred to you. Only an obsessional procrastinator would cry, “Let’s run for our lives, but not till Wednesday afternoon.

I just think that sometimes we hang onto people or relationships long after they’ve ceased to be of any use to either of you. I’m always meeting new people, and my list of friends seems to change quite a bit.

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking ‘Do you want fries with that?’

I realised that I really disliked him, and I knew exactly why: he didn’t know the difference between being solemn and being serious.

It’s too difficult to start right from scratch and try and be funny out of the blue.

The French have so many civil wars, they can win one now and again.