116 Quotes by John Mortimer

People will go to endless trouble to divorce one person and then marry someone who is exactly the same, except probably a bit poorer and a bit nastier. I don’t think anybody learns anything.

On the three pigs he and his wife own: “We acquired the pigs last year. My wife was born on a pig farm and has always been very fond of pigs. Of course, they are for eating, which is why they are named Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. You wouldn’t want to eat Rufus, Marcus and Esmeralda.

The secret of good health and happiness is to have rather small illnesses throughout your life which you can rely on to stop you doing anything you don’t want to do.

I don’t believe in children’s books. I think after you’ve read Kidnapped, Treasure Island, and Huckleberry Finn, you’re ready for anything.

They won’t be guilty until twelve honest citizens come back from the jury room and pronounce them so. In this country we’re still hanging on to the presumption of innocence, if only by the skin of our teeth.

There is always time for failure.

Never shake hands with colleagues in court; the customers think you’re making deals.

Dying is a matter of slapstick and pratfalls. The ageing process is not gradual or gentle. It rushes up, pushes you over and runs off laughing. No one should grow old who isn’t ready to appear ridiculous.

The worst fault of the working classes is telling their children they’re not going to succeed, saying: There is life, but it’s not for you.