15 Quotes by John Swartzwelder

I try to maintain a positive attitude at all times, because clients notice little things like that, and if you're frowning and crying all the time and saying "why? why?", they get worried.

This guy was making me tired. “Thanks for the afternoon’s entertainment,” I said. “I’ll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.

I made a circular motion with my finger around my temple to indicate I thought this guy was crazy, forgetting that there was no one in the room to see this circular motion except him. He saw it and frowned.

I stepped out of the elevator, put the briefcase in a stray dog's mouth and told him to "stay", then thought better of it and put the briefcase back in the elevator.

As my exciting story began I was being punched in the stomach.

They can kill the Kennedys. Why can't they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?

I'm 190 pounds of rock hard muscle, underneath 40 pounds of sturdy protective fat.

If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, it’s your duty as an American to do it.

They can kill the Kennedys. Why can’t they make a cup of coffee that tastes good?