15 Quotes by John Swartzwelder

I’m 190 pounds of rock hard muscle, underneath 40 pounds of sturdy protective fat.

Kids have too much money these days, if you ask me.

It’s tough to make a living in my racket. Most people who need detecting done just go to the cops. They’re free. I have to charge money for essentially the same service. Another thing that makes it tough is that I’m not the best detective in town. In fact in this building you have to pass the offices of three detectives who are better than me to get to my place. So I guess I lose some business that way.

I’ve been told by people that I’m shaped kind of like a garbage can, but I don’t know if that’s the truth, or just some kind of an insult.

Now, I’m not the most observant of men, which is unfortunate, because I’m a private eye.

I’ll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days.