712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

I want a sandwich named after me.

If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!

Watching Fox, that's like watching the Cartoon Network. Fox is nuts.

Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.

There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is.

As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.

The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!'