712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways.

Sheep are not considered the most intelligent animals but British scientist say humans may have underestimated the woolly creatures. In fact, the British scientific community is even suggesting that the animals might even be "Irish-smart.".

What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square ... It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, "sup?"

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.

Honestly, folks, I think my brain is broken.

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.

I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys.