712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.

Like everyone else, I want to sleep with Leonardo DiCaprio.

You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror."

They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.

The Vietnam war was fought over portion size.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted 'Bingo!' counted as a yea or a nay.

Planet Hollywood has shrunk from seventy-five locations around the world to just over thirty-five over the past two years. No new Planet Hollywoods are opening, which in turn has caused a 100 percent decline in opportunities for Bruce Willis to play the harmonica.