712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

The government that governs best, governs best!

Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

Robert Torricelli, a powerful fund-raiser who helped raise more than $100 million for the Democratic party, took inappropriate gifts from a businessman, including an $8,000 gold Rolex watch, for which he was severely admonished by the Senate Ethics Committee in July. To recap: raising $100 million in contributions from gigantic corporations - ethical; taking a watch - unethical. That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1974.

'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for?

How do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? The honest answer is this: You won't. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.

It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son.

Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN.

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'