712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!

President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.

No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it.

When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.

Ultimately, people would respond a lot better to being treated like adults ... if politics wasn't treated like marketing,

Throughout his life, General Wesley Clark has stood up to some tough opponents. He battled the Viet Cong, and went toe-to-toe with Slobodan Milosevic. But today the retired four-star general capitulated to the fiercest enemy he's ever confronted: the American voter.

Sarah Palin has been tagged and released back into the wild.