712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.

Analysis of President Bush's tax plan has revealed that several elaborate tricks and gimmicks were used to make it look like a $1.35 trillion cut, but in reality it's going to be closer to costing $1.8 trillion. Critics claim it's math so fuzzy, you have to squint to see our nation's future of subsistence farming and post-apocalyptic roving motorcycle gangs.

Everything in Italian sounds like 'Give me your money or I'm going to beat your @$$'.

I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.

No. I'm not going to be your monkey.

It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug.

The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it’s becoming an oppressor,

Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. And it's easy to make fun of an incident like this. Very easy. But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... Moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted. It's just not worth it.

Here's what I realized about the yam - it's the same colour as a Nerf ball. You may be wondering: 'Is he saying he ate a Nerf ball?'...