712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters - they look better covered in oil.

It's funny how everyone hates witch hunts... until they see a witch.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss voter fraud.

Does anyone know...does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because...uh...you've all been in charge pretty much since...uh...what was that guys name...Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.

It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.

Do you know what writing a book is? It's sitting alone in a room for weeks without making contact with another human. I felt like Howard Hughes.

Are you worried that, when you go to hell, you'll only be taking the local and not be on the express? Why would you look for a loophole to deny coverage to children with preexisting conditions?

In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way.

Don't worry, ... as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.