712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the '90s as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association,

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would make very pleasant children.

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

Originally we were going to title it "The Daily Show With Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays Off," but it was too long.

If you are a minority or an interest group, the Democrats will hold the debate at your house. Whereas Republicans take a slightly different approach: they have a big tent - you're just not allowed in it.

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.

Isn't it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop?

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.