712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.

If you want to compare your show to a comedy show, you're more than welcome to ... You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls.

Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson - or should we say the 'very' good Reverend - is enduring the scandal with the help of family and friends. A scandal which gives clearer meaning to the Rainbow Coalition's Operation 'Push'.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.

Hey, wait a minute-aren't there any Senators fans here?

Oh my god... Kerry is boring even when Bush is reading him.

Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence.

We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside.