712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

We're Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.

It's a wonder our country doesn't implode.

If I had to go out there and surf, that would be a problem. But you know, it's just comedy.

The Department of Homeland Security recommends a three-day supply of water consisting of one bottle per day for each person in your home. Plus one extra bottle to give you all something to kill each other over on day four.

The press has bravely and nobly eroded the public trust... What I'm advocating is the media come work for us again. Remove themselves from the symbiotic relationship that they have developed with the power structure of corporations and of the politicians.

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

I can't wait until we can see Oscar's salute to montages.

Nathan Lane's Bus of Broadway Fun will be leaving shortly.

Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.