712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.

What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I?

I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that's really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, "Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!" And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.

The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.

If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance (on 'Meet the Press') it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush:) 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000.'

[Doogal] wasn't even animated. It was still and the audience had to move.

Oh press - must you spread hate? Can't you just stick to being wrong?

He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything,