712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.

The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.

This morning, prompted by increasing concerns about terrorism, oil prices reached a record high as the cost of a barrel of crude is a whopping $44.34. Wow, it seems shocking that a product of finite supply gets more expensive the more we use it. Now the terror alert means higher oil prices, which oddly enough means higher profits for oil companies giving them more money to give to politicians whose policies may favor the oil companies such as raising the terror alert level. As Simba once told us: "It's the circle of life."

The truth is we've been doing The Daily Show for all the way up until just this week, so I've been kind of focused on that. And at home my wife and I just had another baby, so I've also been thinking about that.

Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.

As a comedian, as a person, as a citizen, as a mammal - in all of those areas, I am looking forward to the end of the Bush administration with every fiber of my being.

Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything.

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction.

The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's "offensive to the religion of Islam." Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.