712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.

A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever. How do you get from that to Hide-The-Eggs? Did Jesus have a problem with eggs? Did he go, "When I come back, if I see any eggs, the whole salvation thing is off."

Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.

And so I appreciate that, and I thank you for it. And I hope that your colleagues let you still eat at the lunch table.

I don't trust any country that looks around a continent and says, "Hey, I'll take the frozen part."

The field of play has become seriously unleveled as a result of the current rules. Our member schools have complained and asked that we find a way of fixing this problem.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

I've always run by the hierarchy of 'If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something.

If the president is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival. This is Congress's duty.