712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

Congress, the legislative stone in America's urethra.

At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It's not going to be like, 'I really want to do The Daily Show and I'd love to turn it into an abstract musical.' I like the format and the chance to satirize the news.

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.

The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led to the second largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it's harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries.

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

Divorce isn’t caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I’d like to buy the Earth’s core.

If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values: they’re hobbies.

Happy Valentine’s Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you’re probably alone. Valentine’s Day is often times a, well, it’s a manufactured day that really doesn’t mean anything.