712 Quotes by Jon Stewart

If you break someone’s leg, shouldn’t you have to be the crutch for a while?

Here’s the point – you’re looking at affirmative action, and you’re looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who’s gonna wanna work?

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what’s wrong with what we’ve done in Iraq. We’ve been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.

Despite his infirmities, Strom Thurmond showed up to work every day and did not miss a Senate vote in his final year, though no one is sure if a shouted ‘Bingo!’ counted as a yea or a nay.

McVeigh’s lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

How do you know what is the right path to choose to get the result that you desire? The honest answer is this: You won’t. And accepting that greatly eases the anxiety of your life experience.

Watching Fox, that’s like watching the Cartoon Network. Fox is nuts.

Congress is the Justin Bieber of our government.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you’re overwhelmed by something or if you’re not.